The Holidays

Holidays are supposed to be grand. People have high expectations. We all want something, whether it be time with family, thoughtful gifts, feelings of love, or genuine happiness. But despite the longing we feel, the holidays never truly bring these things. In fact, I think the holidays push these away because we get so caught up in the details that we don't even take time to stop. And breathe. And treat the holidays like any other time of year - where life is beautiful and overwhelming and fun and spontaneous and difficult and entertaining and true.

So I'm going to focus on that.

Today was a good day. I fell asleep early last night on the white couch in my sun room, and when I woke up late at 6am, I thought the day was going to be the worst. But I went to school, readied my classroom, and soon found myself standing in a room full of brilliant kids. Kids that love each other. Kids that pick up papers for their classmates when they fall. Kids that solve math problems with a zeal for true understanding. Kids that clap for each other. Kids that have honest conversations. Kids that beatbox and dance during Math Club meetings after school. Kids that change. Kids that turn in homework for their friends who couldn't make it to school today. Kids that decide that after a shitty year in 7th grade, they can make something of themselves in 8th grade.

Our kids will blow your mind to pieces.

I wish everyone had the job that I have. Because I think everyone needs to feel the things I feel. Like when Stacey came to visit, I just felt like she understood me better. And my kids understood something about my family. And as a result, they understood something about me.

And every day of my life, I want to understand things about them. Like who are you dating? What are you afraid of? Where did you go last night? Why were you crying this morning? What makes you happy? What do you do in the summer? What do you know a lot about? How do you truly feel about school?

And the only way to know is to keep going.

I always blog when I am happy - I hardly blog when I am sad. But to be honest, I have been more sad than happy this month. And I don't think I'm truly past it yet. But, today, and by talking with other teachers, I feel strangely peaceful.

"Lights will guide you home," according to Trev. I don't know what these lights are or how they will guide me or where home is, but I know something is here with me through this. Maybe it's the kids. Or the brilliant people I have around me. Or the challenges. Or the classes. Or the people who are willing to talk. Or the people who are honest and difficult and emotional. Or the things that make me think.

Or maybe it is the lights.

-Am