There is still work to be done

I had an amazing time last night. Gender, Projected was featured at City Lights Gallery in Bridgeport, CT. Overnight, Reese and I went from being amateur photographers to being the featured artists at a well-attended art gallery show. Friends, supporters, and community members came to see the work. People asked us to pose with them for photographs. We marched with our community in a Pride Parade. Our dreams turned into reality.

Unfortunately, there is still so much work to be done.

Exhibit One: I walked in to the gallery to see the final display, and I realized immediatly that my name was listed on the wall as my given name even though I wrote "Am Norgren" in our artist statement. The gallery staff reprinted it before people filtered in, which I appreciated, but it was still hard to see.

Explanation: Am is my real name. My friends and family call me Am. I introduce myself as Am. I refer to myself as Am in all of my communications. Unfortunately, I cannot use Am yet for legal purposes because I have not changed my name legally. And unfortunately, that is what people see as "real." Hm.

Exhibit Two: Someone at the event came up to me and introduced themself. They asked me what my name was. I said Am. They said, "What is that short for?" and I said, "It's the name I have been called my whole life." I didn't say, "It's one of my given names, and it also affirms my gender identity" because I didn't want to go into it. In retrospect, I wish I had.

Explanation: The name Am was given to me by my family. When my brother Zak was young and I was born, it was easier for him to say "Ammy" and "Am" than Anne Marie. As a result, my friends and family have called me both of these names my whole life. In the last 8 months, I have started using Am exclusively as the name I introduce myself as because it affirms my gender identity, which is non-binary, gender non-conforming, genderqueer, and trans. Am is gender neutral. I am gender neutral. The way I use Am is similar to the way Zak goes by Zak instead of Zachary and Kate goes by Kate instead of Kaitlyn. Though these names, like my name, generally originate as nicknames, they become actual names. They become what you introduce yourself as, use to register for things, etc. Perhaps you don't legally change them, or perhaps you do. Most of the time, people call you by these names, they validate what you say your "name" is, and they don't ask too many questions. Unfortunately, this is not the case for me.

Exhibit Three: Pronouns. I use they/them/their pronouns. Yes, they are uncommon. Yes, they may sound weird at first. Yes, they are gramatically different. But none of these should be reasons that you do not use them. Now that I spend my time with a group of people who affirm my gender identity on a regular basis by using my preferred gender pronouns, I know how good it feels to be affirmed. Which means I also know how shitty it feels to be misgendered. I'm not 'she' and I'm not 'he.' I'm 'they.' Here's an example: "Am is at the store. I am staying here to watch the dogs while they get stuff for a cookout tonight. I love cooking with them!"

Explanation: They/them/their pronouns are gender neutral pronouns. There are other versions, which you can learn about using the internet. Then, you can practice using gender neutral pronouns with your pets. You can practice with people you haven't met. You can practice with your fish. There is a learning curve, but it gets easier with time. And it's really cool once you can have a conversation about people without using binary gender language every two words!

Exhibit Four: Facebook. Someone asked me today, "Why don't you change your name on Facebook?" Well, the reason is that I can't. It won't let me. I tried to change my name on my original account, and it wouldn't let me. So then, I tried signing up for a new account, and here was the result:

Explanation: I have two major concerns with this screenshot: 1) Facebook requires you to choose between Female or Male in order to create a new account. Facebook claims to be gender identity inclusive, but this either-or option on the first page you have to see doesn't confirm that at all. 2) Facebook won't let me use Am becuase it is not my "authentic" name. However, when I go to the next screen, Facebook says that "authentic" names are the "names that your family and friends call you." I think mine qualifies. Which just makes me confused and frustrated.

After all this, I am feeling pretty crappy. There was a time when I felt very confident in my gender identity, my name, and my pronouns. But today is not that day. I know there are other people going through similar struggles as I am, so all I ask is that you please keep fighting this fight with me. 

Thank you for reading.

-Am (they/them/their pronouns)